Watch this episode in the UK here for the next week.

It’s that time of year where a group of delusional tosspots get together to embarrass themselves in front of the nation Alan Sugar. As always at this point in the series, they seem like a particularly odious bunch. “In life,” states one buffoon, opening the show, “there are two types of people. Winners, and the second type. I can’t say it, I won’t say it.” Is is it ‘fuckwit’? ‘Moron’? ‘Jerkwad’ for a more Atlantic flavour? Don’t keep us guessing, please.

When the BBC introduce this programme as the ‘Job interview from hell’ I’m sure they mean that it’s supposed to be highly pressured; that sooner or later most will come up in front of Sir Sugar of Cockney have the ‘you’re fired’ finger of doom waved in their slimey little faces. As far as I’m concerned, though, it would be spending a few months with these parasites that would be hellish.

One pipes up, early on “As a salesperson, I probably rate myself as the best in Europe.” What she fails to understand, however, is that it doesn’t matter how she rates herself. If she was the best salesperson in Europe, she’d be making money rather than embarassing herself on this show. Still, for all my whinging, I have to watch her do so, for I am a cruel man with a shrivelled heart, and there’s little I enjoy more than seeing overly confident idiots fail. And fail they will. Oh yes.

An early bit of snappiness comes from ‘International Car Dealer’ Sara. What exactly is an ‘International Car Dealer’? With the UK car firms having been bought out by their larger brethren, aren’t all cars International now? Anyway she starts off the fish-selling task by attempting to shout an answer out of a mildly bemused shopkeeper before berating her colleagues for interrupting her ‘negotiations’. Does asking a man which is the best market really count as ‘negotiation’? I’m not an International Car Dealer, so I don’t know.

One lesson that I did learn early on in the ladies’ and the gents’ fish salesperson career is that a good way of getting customers is by selling at below the wholesale price. It’s also worth knowing the difference between pounds, kilos and units. Useful stuff.

Nicholas de Lacy-Brown is apparently very good at Law. He regards his single ‘B’ at GCSE, amongst ‘A’s throughout his school career as his ‘only failure’. He should probably add the weird little tuft of vaguely satanic facial hair to that list, alongside his inability to price lobsters. I don’t know whether it was his idea to go to a solicitor’s to sell fish, but as their decisions go it was one of the better ones. Which is saying a lot about the quality of the boy’s team decisions. The solicitors are much, much better negotiators than the contestants, however, which is a joy to behold, and the team comes away having sold £130 worth of fish for £50. Genius.

Eventually, after both teams have sold most of their stock for far too little money, they head back to the boardroom to be shouted at by Sir Alan while they concentrate on stabbing each other in the back. Raef, whose key skill appears to be keeping an amazing amount of hair balanced on his head is the best at patronising people, it transpires, and uses this skill less than judiciously. He failed at labelling the fish, it seems, while Baron de Lacy-Brown failed at the pricing. Those two with team captain Alex are the final three to face incredulous looks from Sir Alan the next day where their fate is decided.

Raef could get on with prince or pauper, he claims, where Nicholas doesn’t get on well with people who like football. Alex is a “Regional sales manager at the age of 21″. It’s difficult to know which one I wanted to get fired more. As it transpires, its another opportunity for Nicholas to face the lowly world of failure, and so his freakish facial hair will have to languish in the law courts of the country instead of gracing the ‘Boardroom’ for another week.

One of the vile idiots started the programme by stating “I’m quite happy to cut people out of my life if it helps me be a success, a winner.” Judging from this opener, I doubt you would shed a tear to be cut out of the life of any of them.